I’m not sure if it’s early Sunday morning or late Saturday night. It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep… again. I spent most of my evening reading If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped by Jamie Tworkowski. I even followed him on Instagram earlier wanting to know more about the work that he’s doing for teenagers battling depression. I love how he constantly repeats that there is hope for a new tomorrow.
I started my day with a walk while listening to my music. I find so much comfort and creative ideas in the songs I listen to. They’re home to me.
After my walk, I had the chance to be a guest on a podcast. I said yes a month ago. Monday, I tried to cancel the interview thinking I might not be a good fit.
This year, I asked God to forgive me for closing doors that He keeps on opening.
You see, I often say no to things thinking that I don’t know how to tell my story. But if I don’t tell my story, how do I learn then?
I was happy with how the interview went, as a podcaster myself (hope that’s a word, podcaster), I recognise when the discussion is flowing, and the person interviewing me did a great job in picking little nuggets from what I was saying and then emphasising on that. In my mind, I was: oh she’s good.
But then, you see, sometimes the overthinker in me takes over and after a few hours I started to analyse everything I said. Which is silly cause everything I said, was true. I am doing this, and that, and I am doing a lot while having a daily job. A job that I am grateful for and like. I am the poster child for multitasking… some days. Truth is, some days you can only do so much, and that’s ok.
From this blog to Neos, to my books or the people that I get to talk to for my podcast, or my job – I am doing a lot, and I give my best with everything I am doing. I am good at what I am doing. Not perfect, but growing… and then, why do I always feel conflicted after talking about it? Like I am embarrassed for being good at something. And when I say ”good” – this is a God-given confidence. Comes with years of errors, and learning, and more errors and more learning.
Truth is, I like the background. I feel better being in the background. I love being in the background. Just let me do my thing.
I’m most happier when people read this blog or buy my books and they have no idea who’s behind everything.
It’s close to 3 am, I’ll play one more time Save Yourself from The Veer Union, and then I’ll try to sleep.
I’ll finish with a quote from the book mentioned earlier:
We are living our stories, you and I, with dreams inside us undeniable, with love to give and people to walk beside.
Oh, I also talked with my dad today. We laughed a lot. He always makes me laugh.
#saturdaydiaries